Michael Deacon 
 Listen up, Kemi. Here are the dazzling policies that will win you the next election

Reform has already benefited from my political genius. Now it’s the Tories’ turn – and I’ve got just the manifesto to help 
Back in March, I wrote a column containing a modest proposal for Nigel Farage. Reform, I suggested, should pledge that if it wins the next election, all small-boat migrants will be accommodated in constituencies that have voted Green. Well, Mr Farage must be an avid reader of my columns, because, mere weeks later, Reform actually announced this as official party policy.

Like any responsible journalist, however, I believe passionately in the importance of political balance. Which is why I have now decided to offer my dazzling genius as a political thinker to the Tories, as well.

Of course, the Tories may reply that they’ve got quite enough ideas of their own, thank you. At her party’s conference this week, Kemi Badenoch announced a range of eye-catching policies – such as scrapping Labour’s mansion tax, halving the tax on hiring young workers, and creating a “Britannia Shield” anti-missile defence system.

With all due modesty, though, I believe that my ideas would be even more popular with Right-minded voters…
1

Cut taxes for everyone – except Left-wing celebrities. Their taxes should be increased by at least 90 per cent. They definitely won’t object, given they tend to be extremely vocal in their support of high taxes. And so, being as principled as they are selfless, they’ll happily pay up.
2

Tax cuts will however be offered to celebrities who are openly Right-wing – just as a little experiment, to see whether there actually are any celebrities these days who are Right-wing. Or who are at least willing to risk instant cancellation in cultural circles, purely to get their tax bill down.
3

Police to be banned from describing terrorism suspects using the term “British national”, because the public invariably responds by rolling its eyes and muttering: “So, someone who wasn’t born in Britain, then. Either tell us which country they were born in, or use a more accurate phrase, such as, ‘Foreigner who’s been given a piece of paper by the Home Office, clearly very unwisely.’”
4

To raise national morale, the inventor of the tethered bottle cap will be taken on a tour of every city, town and village in Britain, so that long-suffering members of the public can pelt him with rotten fruit – in revenge for all the times that his infuriating innovation has left their clothes stained with splodges of fruit smoothie.
5

Supermarkets to be banned from sacking staff for tackling shoplifters. Instead, all such staff to be awarded a pay rise, a medal and immediate elevation to the Cabinet.
6
Millions of pounds to be poured into a major nationwide campaign to bring back the words “May I have” instead of “Can I get”.
7

Before being permitted to visit London, all foreign tourists will be made to pass a rigorous exam, requiring them to demonstrate that a) they can walk at a speed greater than two miles a fortnight, b) they know which side to stand on a Tube station escalator, and c) they understand key English phrases they’re likely to hear in London, eg “Get out of my way, you waddling Belgian halfwit.”
8

Public floggings for all railway passengers who allow their toddlers to watch children’s TV on their iPads, at maximum volume, without earphones.
9

All bluebottles to be equipped with sat nav, Google Maps, or whatever else it takes to help the useless buzzing dunces exit a wide-open kitchen window.
10

Mandatory hard-drive checks for all Left-wing men who put “he/him” in their social-media bios.
11

All websites that sell stuff will be legally required to make clear, before purchase, which delivery firm they use, so that you can tell in advance whether there’s a cat in hell’s chance of your order ever actually arriving, rather than being broken or stolen by a member of staff at the delivery firm’s warehouse.
12

All wives to be given compulsory lessons in how to stack a dishwasher properly.
13

Meanwhile, all husbands to be reminded never to criticise the way their wife stacks the dishwasher, or they won’t be husbands for much longer.
14

All countries that demand reparations for the slave trade to be issued with a formal apology – as follows: “We are very sorry that, in light of the welfare policies pursued by British governments over recent years, you have formed the impression that our country is run by gormless mugs who will hand out vast sums of taxpayers’ money to almost literally anyone, no matter how spurious the reasons. Obviously that impression is correct, but we’ve finally decided to draw the line, so kindly get knotted. Thanks.”

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/10/07/listen-up-kemi-dazzling-policies-to-win-next-election/

Guy Kelly
Black Labs Matter’: How Labour dragged Britain’s favourite dog into the culture wars

Loyal? Gentle? Innocent? Don’t be fooled – the Government has finally exposed the four-legged far-Right threat at our feet 

They have started to be called the “Furred Reich”, and not without good reason. Black labradors, that most innocent-looking creature, renowned until now for their loyalty, retrieval skills and ability to eat 17 packets of supermarket ham – packaging and all – in eight seconds, are in fact panting surrogates for a creeping fascist ideology. This news, delivered by Jenny Riddell-Carpenter, Labour’s nature minister, may come as an uneasy surprise to many dog owners out there, but it is the job of the Government to keep the public safe and aware of the dangers that live among, and with, us. “This is one of the things I do stay awake at night and fear,” Riddell-Carpenter said this week, as she announced Britain’s newest national-security threat. “I do believe that the next election is going to be fought on a battle line of nature and rural affairs. “It’ll be that warm ale, a black labrador by your feet in a pub that doesn’t exist, and with symbolism of fox hunting all around them. It’ll be a very far-Right nostalgic vision of Britain that we don’t want to have, [that] never really existed.” To think, all that time wringing our hands over XL bullies, but the real societal scourge was right before us, at our feet, patiently waiting for us to drop a Mini Cheddar. It’s always the ones you least suspect, but there they were: sleeper cells. Such sleepy cells, actually. Especially in front of a log fire. As the Labour Government decides whether or not to proscribe black labradors, some soul-searching has begun among us humans. All across the country, owners of these newfound four-legged fascists are questioning their companions. Some are, rightly, apologising for ever associating with them. Others, under the hashtag #BlackLabsMatter, are standing by their Hitlerite hounds. “Mea culpa,” confessed the author John Lewis-Stempel. “I had a black labrador when I was child. He was called Rover. We took him to the village pub. I am now voluntarily entering myself into a re-education camp.” "There he is again, pondering the invasion of Poland,” wrote historian Roger Moorhouse, alongside a photograph of his own despotic pet. Moorhouse appended a sceptical emoji, but as an eminent reader of Second World War-era Germany, he knows of what he speaks. “Nazis are now openly operating in our country completely unchallenged,” warned another man, bravely posting an image of two dogs, who weren’t even pretending not to be black labradors, begging for treats at the bar of a country pub. If the incident at RAF Fairford wasn’t enough to convince you that our rural corners have the capacity for domestic terrorism, here was proof, doe-eyed and beseeching. Naturally, AI came in handy for people to illustrate Riddell-Carpenter’s nightmares. Former MEP Annunziata Rees-Mogg recreated the bunker scene from Downfall, with the cast all made you-know-whos. Other videos and photographs showed black labs marching (a paw-test?) on Whitehall, smoking in pubs and reading Mein Kampf. Or at least, I think these were AI. Who knows anything these days? Black labs’ defenders have been many, of course. Nigel Farage proudly took his little neo-fascist fetcher out for a beer. So did hundreds of others online, who all refused to accept that their dog could be, well, as dogmatic as Riddell-Carpenter claimed. "Monty is the ultimate success story,” author John O’Donoghue started, telling the moving tale of his suspiciously patriotic pet. “He came from humble beginnings… Never knew his dad. Separated from his birth mother at an early age. Started life with nothing. Now he owns a house, two cars, and has a personal chef and chauffeur. Never give up on your dreams.” A third group has been left confused: where do other dogs sit on the political spectrum? With an image of her two mutts, a poster who describes herself as a “Yorkshire-dwelling sex realist” (is that a rare position?) wrote: “Our dark chocolate lab wondering if he’s just far-Right adjacent or an actual Nazi like his brother.” A dachshund owner commented that the breed was “feeling rather left out of the far-Right discourse”. For anybody lost as to their role in this particular front of the ongoing culture war, someone helpfully created a ranking of the most fascist dogs. It was bad news for owners of border collies, springer spaniels and Jack Russells. There are two black labradors, Hector and Digby, in my own family. The former, my parents’ in-house extremist, started life seeming as if he was possessed by the spirit of Satan himself. Without interference from Prevent or, failing that, a great many treats, a descent into fascist ideology felt inevitable – even before Riddell-Carpenter’s announcement. Meanwhile Digby, my brother’s agitant, was a milder puppy, but still capable of rampaging destruction, especially to his own bowels. They have both turned out well, calming to the point of being tolerable, and gaining good enough natures that they’ve almost become a pleasure to be around. When our children prod and poke them, they just sigh and walk off, knowing it’s worth putting up with for the debris that rains down from the highchair. Suffice to say, I now look at those two creatures quite differently. I was blind, but now I see – thanks to Jenny Riddell-Carpenter. To make things worse, Hector and Digby both spend large amounts of time in country pubs with their owners, who are supping cask ale. Clearly they must be dealt with, but how? It turns out I am not alone in this quandary. “This is my friend’s dog. How do I approach the conversation I need to have with her? It’s so hard,” Jill Collier asked, seeking advice on how to reach out and connect across the far-Right aisle. But there is an obvious answer, of course, and Richard Cullen, another author, reached it. “As a beer drinking Labrador owner I am horrified by this,” he wrote. “Who knew I was living a far-right fantasy. Consequently, I have now gone teetotal and had my Labrador put down.” It seems I need to broach my own difficult conversation in the family group chat. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/10/01/black-labrador-culture-wars-jenny-riddell-carpenter/ And this is the Labour minister who claims that black labradors are fascist:

"Украинский писатель и волонтер Ян Валетов рассказал об опоре путинского режима:

– Не лично Путин, Патрушев и Медведев пускали по нам дроны и ракеты, – пишет Валетов. – Не они лично стояли у станков, чтобы все это произвести. Не они рассчитывали траектории и прописывали полетные задания.

Нас убивают не эти подонки. Нас убивает многонациональный российский народ. За зарплату. За деньги по контракту. За возможность продвинуться по службе.

Некоторые из них никогда и на тысячу километров не подъезжали к Украине. У других были тут тетушки, дядюшки и бабушки с дедушками. О их летом отправляли «на фрукту» и поесть вареников с вишнею. И половить карасиков в Орели или Псёле.

У некоторых родители здесь учились, а кое-кто привез с Украины мужа или жену. Но вареники с вишнями и тетя под Миргородом никому из них не мешают. Просто запомните сказанное.

Винить в происходящем надо не только руководство, но и тех кто своими руками, молчанием, налогами поддерживает эту войну. Они не невинные исполнители, жертвы режима. Они его опора, его сила, его умения.

Обычные программисты вкладывающие в тупую ракету координаты цели и маршрут, обычный рабочий, собирающий шахед, который прилетит в очередной дом на массиве Победа. Они все – война.

И когда война приостановится или закончится, они будут рассказывать, что не знали, не хотели, не ожидали, не думали. Что они просто выполняли приказ. Что у них тетя в Миргороде. Что у них дядя в Жмеринке. Что у них в Киеве могила деда…

Им не надо ничего прощать, им нельзя сочувствовать. Они не жертвы режима, они и есть режим.
Ян Валетов"
https://dedo-vasil.livejournal.com/938779.html

Лозунг "Hope Again" - на сто тоько? На светлое будущее е которому нас погонят лейбористы во главе с Энди? Хлопающая в ладоши и пляшущая подтанцовка - асе в духе совецких партсъездов.  Бурные аплодисменты, все  встают.  Еще и избирательную систему менять собрался , чтобы их больше никто выпихнуть не смог. На 10-летний план замахнулся, тварь.
Аж блевать хочется.